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ELRETH

Something was different about Aaryn when he thought back to this time she was asking about. It was like she could see how the years had passed. See how he\'d grown and matured since the memories he was recalling.

She rarely thought about the age difference between them anymore. Four years had seemed a lot when she was ten. But now, at nearly twenty? It was nothing.

Or so she\'d thought.

Something about Aaryn\'s face as he scanned the memories he was about to share made her feel very… young. And inexperienced. And when he started talking, the quiet authority in his voice reminded her of her father.

"So, when I\'d been sworn in and I\'d gone through a few tests to make sure I was going to stick with it, they sat me down and explained. They had several roles within their… society. That\'s what we call those who are training to be Protectors—but remember, I didn\'t know about that part. I just knew who was stepping up and who we were working with behind the scenes.

"So at nineteen, they\'re training me and I have a choice to make. I can either start working in the traverse and the stuff they\'re doing there, that I didn\'t really understand. Or I could take the leadership path. I didn\'t have to commit at that age, but it was openly discussed that I only had a couple years to decide.

"Of course, by the time I had to make the decision, Gar was working with us. And the traverse was his thing. Even though Elia hated it, no one could deny that he had more experience than any other Anima in crossing—we learned he\'d done it a handful of times even before he connected with us—and that meant that not only was he good at keeping secrets, but he had a good heart too. He was… embraced, even though he was disformed. Because of your mom, mainly, I think. And because he was the best at telling the trainees what to expect when they crossed. And then he started leading… insisting that what we were all doing was too important to risk losing disformed to it. I didn\'t really understand what he was saying then—though I do now. But your brother, El… he stood up. He even took me to the traverse a couple times so we could talk about which path I should take.

"But then Gorsh went through and didn\'t come back and… it was a real blow for everyone."

"Gorsh was part of this?" Elreth asked, surprised.

Aaryn nodded. "He\'d been Alpha. They made it sound like he must have fallen down a ravine or something, but the disformed, at least, those in the Protector training, we all knew. And it was quietly decided any disformed that took the leadership path had to stick solely with that—no traverse for them at all. So there was no risk of losing them that way.

"But then we didn\'t have an Alpha for a few weeks. The seconds and group Alphas all kept their people focused and on track, but no one stepped up to challenge for it. And Gar… Gar told me he thought it was me. He thought the others were standing back because they wanted me to try and take it. I thought he was crazy. But then your mom…"

"My mom?!"

Aaryn had been staring off at the cave wall, seeing his memories. But he turned back to her then, locked eyes with her. "Your mom was at the center of all of his, El. She had the contacts with Gahrye. She had been in the human world and knew how it worked. She had crossed the traverse… really, Alpha should have been her. She\'s the one who held us all together. But she never wanted that kind of position. She always kept herself off to the side, and just offered what she could to help the rest of us.

"So I had to make a decision. And she pulled me aside and told me to go for it. That if I was unsuccessful, she\'d still train me for the traverse. But she thought my heart… she thought I was right to lead." His throat bobbed.

Elreth felt a stab of jealousy that her own mother had pulled Aaryn into this thing that she\'d kept from Elreth. But she could see how touched he was by that memory, by her mother\'s belief in him. So she kept her thoughts to herself and forced a smile. "I\'m glad that she did."

Aaryn shrugged, but one side of his mouth tipped up. "So, over the course of a week or so, I challenged all the other Alphas and leaders. Some of them submitted. Some forced me to fight for it. But… but at the end, I was still standing and everyone was really happy."

He swallowed hard. "El, other than the day you said yes, it was the happiest day of my life. And I just kind of… fell into it. The older leaders in the disformed have always kept a low profile. They see it as their job to build the rest of us up. So they really handed me the reins.

"I made a lot of mistakes, especially that first year. But now… I mean, before," he said hurriedly and Elreth\'s stomach stabbed at the shadow that passed over his gaze when he remembered he wasn\'t Alpha anymore. "Anyway," he sighed, "What I\'m saying is… when I was leading… it was always about building a resource for you. I was excited. When you took Dominant I was going to offer the people to you… like a gift. I know that sounds stupid. But if it hadn\'t worked out the way it did, if we hadn\'t had to reveal it all… I was going to show them off to you and give them to you."

His eyes bored into hers. "El, I never, ever intended to create any kind of… challenge to the hierarchy. I could kick myself now. But I\'m so sure Gar\'s going to bring it all together. And I know that all of this—the prophecy, the disformed rebellion, the human—you\'re going to walk us all through it better than I could have. Better than anyone. Even your dad. I know you\'ve been put here for a reason. You can\'t give up, okay? I know it\'s hard and scary. But I saw how leaders can support each other. And I watched your father. I learned from the best. I am here to stand by you—and the other disformed will too. You aren\'t alone in this.. I promise."